Got your mind set on becoming a werewolf? Here’s how you do it. Get bitten by a werewolf. Drink water from a wolf’s footprint. Make a pact with the Devil. Become a member of an ancient Greek cult. Find a magical belt. Drink a potion. Wear a wolfskin. If this last one doesn’t work, try wearing the wolfskin to a PETA demonstration and at least you can savour that classic werewolf experience: being chased down by an angry mob.

Why? Well, it’s a convenient way to excuse some otherwise seriously antisocial behavior. You’ve been accused of killing a dozen children in your medieval village? Try claiming you’re a werewolf. Peter Stubbe did. One of the first known serial killers, Peter Stubbe was captured in 1589 after a twenty-five year killing spree, during which time he murdered and ate two pregnant women and thirteen children (including his own son). So how well does this brilliant defense strategy work? The court that tried Peter Stubbe agreed that he was indeed a werewolf, and proceeded to execute him by strapping him across a wheel, pulling off his flesh with red hot pinchers, breaking his arms and legs, decapitating him, then burning his corpse. On second thought, stick with the Twinkie defense.

Life as a wolf not turning out exactly as you’d hoped? Finding five o’clock shadow really doesn’t have the same rugged sex appeal on a woman? Tired of fighting that overwhelming attraction to the cute German Shepherd next door? Here’s the cure you’re looking for (results not guaranteed). Remove the wolfskin. Break the belt buckle. Don’t consume human flesh for seven years. Call the Devil really nasty names and wait for him to come collecting on that pact. If you live in Europe, have someone call you by your human name while you’re in wolf form, which apparently reminds you who you really are. Don’t try this in China, though. In Chinese lore, a werewolf heard someone discussing the local werewolf problem and her feelings were so badly hurt, she vanished, never to be seen again. Remember, demonic monsters have feelings, too.

You say you don’t want to become (or unbecome) a werewolf? You just want to protect yourself against the jerk across the road who followed my instructions and is now running around every night, howling to all hours, digging up your flower garden and completely ignoring the poop-and-scoop bylaws? If you want to keep him away, here’s what you do. Make the sign of the cross. Water your lawn with holy water. Keep a pitchfork handy and give him a good whack between the eyebrows (assuming he has two instead of the proverbial werewolf unibrow). And if the situation gets really hairy and animal-control has stopped returning your calls? Get yourself a silver bullet. Obtain a gun (adhering to all federal gun control laws, please). After receiving the proper permits, shoot the varmint. Then cut off his head, burn his body (don’t forget the yard-fire permit!) and scatter his ashes to the wind. That’ll fix him.

Finally, if all this fails, if you’ve spent hours trying to get rid of a werewolf or become one yourself or stop being one, I have one last ritual guaranteed to relieve your suffering. Stand in front of a mirror. Take a good look at yourself. Repeat after me. ‘There is no such thing as werewolves’. And if you still wish there was? If you’d like to visit a place where men and women really can turn into wolves, may I suggest a trip to your local library. Find a book. Rent a movie. And enter the world of the werewolf.